Baby Mama, Movie Theater Drama

After seeing the very funny movie, “Baby Mama,” last night, I was afraid I’d leave the theater pining for a kid of my own. Luckily, my seat mates quickly squashed that fear when, throughout the entire movie, I was told by them to hold their toy, their sippy cup and was asked “Hi?” as if it were a question that demanded a response. Yes, I had to sit next to three children, who seemed to be between the ages of three and five — the theater was packed. The movie was an hour and 40 minutes long. All three children had bladders that seemed to only hold ten minutes worth of liquids. Their attention spans were just as small. While watching Tina Fey try her hardest to create a human being of her very own, I was also treated to a car crash along the arm of my seat, courtesy of Jayden, the four-year-old sitting next to me. When his parents finally deemed him “unruly enough” to sit next to a stranger, they switched him out with his three-year-old sister, Destiny, who was quietly brushing her doll’s hair. I settled back into the movie, babies floated before the screen, there were laugh out loud montages of Amy Poehler having to swallow a giant pre-natal vitamin. After a little while, I realized I was being watched by Destiny. I tried to shake it off, but couldn’t. Finally, I turned and stared right back at her. “Isn’t my doll’s hair shiny,” she asked. (Might I remind you, we’re in a dark movie theater.) I made the HUGE mistake of answering her with, “yes, it is,” before turning away. This opened up the floodgates for conversation. “Want to see me dance?” Destiny asked me.

“No.”

“Well, I’m gonna go to dance up there and you’re gonna watch me.”

Next thing I know, Destiny has climbed over the seat and skipped in front of the theater and starts to dance to the music from the movie. I can’t believe it! I look over at her parents, hoping to make eye contact, but clearly, since they’re sitting next to each other and not their children, they can enjoy the movie and let everyone else act as their babysitter.

The song ends as the club scene in the movie fades into a more serious one with Kate (Tina Fey) and Rob (Greg Kinnear) discussing children. Kate kisses Rob. Destiny observes this from the front row where she found some poor sap guy and his girlfriend to hold her doll, while she watched the movie. “Ohhh,” squeals Destiny as she watches them kiss, “they’re gonna make a baby together!”

And as funny as “Baby Mama” is, as insistent as the critics are that somewhere in the movie lay political, social and economic struggles and feminist underpinnings (which there are), it clearly isn’t clever enough to be surprising, even for a three-year-old.

P.S. The word “Baby” might be in the title, but mamas & dads, should really leave their under-13 kiddies home when they go to see this movie. I admit it, the poster looks fun and kid-friendly with colorful building blocks, a Slurpee cup and two funny ladies, but “Baby Mama,” is PG-13, not PG-3.

Bright Lights, Small City

There are days when New York feels less like a city and more like a small town. Granted, anywhere you live in a neighborhoods, on a street and in a building, lends itself to that small-town quality, since most urbanites tend to stay in a ten block radius of their apartment. I tend to stay away from areas that are inhabited by people I don’t particularly like. For instance, I avoid going over to 19th and Broadway. If I have to hit up ABC Carpet or Fishs Eddy, I do it during a week-day, when I have less of a chance of running into the person I hate who lives on 18th and Broadway. Hopefully, she’s at her day job. I saw her once, while making the mistake of walking down Broadway to return home, but luckily, the “Walk” sign flashed and I crossed the street, managing to avoid her.

I also try to avoid the Columbus Circle Whole Foods, as I once ran into a guy I went on a date with, whose nickname was “Wolfman.” And though he was a decent-seeming guy, I spent a large part of the date trying to avoid staring at his excessive amount of arm hair, which made it look like his watch was drowning. Ironically, I saw him in the produce section, where we was checking out the fuzzy-skinned peaches. To add insult to injury, I wasn’t wearing any make-up. I still can’t decide what was worse, seeing a guy you never called back or seeing him on a Sunday afternoon makeup-less, a little hungover and sniffing the flat parsley (just to make sure it wasn’t in fact, cilantro). I had forgotten he lived in that neighborhood, so it remained on my “places to avoid” list for six months.

But it still throws me for a loop when I see people walking in my neighborhood who shouldn’t be there. Today, I was walking down Greenwich Street, headed to Tea & Sympathy to meet an old high school friend I hadn’t seen in nine years. A half-block away from my destination, I ran into my old screenwriting partner from college, who now lives in Los Angeles. I hadn’t seen her in five years. She just happened to be in town for a bridal shower this weekend. While waiting outside the restaurant, a woman walked by me pushing her baby stroller. It was my old college RA, who just moved from Portland, ME to the UWS and was bringing her new son, Owen, for a stroll downtown. Then, I had the requisite celebrity encounter when Kiefer Sutherland showed up for teatime and a fan asked if I wouldn’t mind taking a picture of him with Mr. Sutherland. Click.

After tea, I had to head over to Kate’s Paperie to replenish my stationery. I was too late, the store had just closed. Another woman joined in my dismay as she walked up to the door. When we turned to each other to remark on our “luck,” we realized simultaneously that we knew each other, having worked together five years ago, before she moved back to London. Turns she’s in town for a temporary job with the Tribeca Film Festival. After a brief catch up session, we parted ways.

Walking back home, I was now on the lookout for other people I knew, expecting them to appear around every corner. I sometimes mind the small town atmosphere that comes with living in New York, but at least today I was prepared, I was wearing make-up.